Odds Stacked Against You
by Lynnlee22
Summary: Phick/Philly ensemble drama
1. Chapter 1

Her hand slammed down on the bar top as she tried to steady her breathing. Fury, betrayal, and concern all fought for control as she tried to force herself to stay put. There was a part of her that wanted to run back up those stairs. She wanted to go back to that door, jerk it open, and force him to look her in the eye and explain himself, but what good would that do? He would just lie to her again just like he'd done over and over again, just like he'd done mere hours ago when he'd looked her in the eyes and promised her that the gambling was over. She didn't believe him then – her trust having already been shaken, but after a sleepless night in a bed that seemed impossibly empty, she realized there were still things that needed to be said and she'd come here tonight to say them.

In all honestly, there was something in her that had hoped she'd find him here as miserable as she was. She was hoping he had spent the entire night thinking about the choices he'd made and how horribly he'd screwed everything up. She was hoping he had stared up at the ceiling and thought of everything he should have said instead of what he did. She was hoping he had thought about how much he loved her, how much he needed her, and how much he didn't want to let this cost them the relationship they'd fought so hard for. Instead, when she'd reached his door, she'd found his night had been spent far differently than hers. While she had tossed and turned and regretted her angry words, while she had worried and cried and hoped there was still something to salvage, he had been here – not thinking about her, not worrying about his relationship, but gambling.

"What can I get you?" The bartender's voice was a reprieve from her thoughts and she turned towards the sound.

"It doesn't matter," she said quietly. "Something strong." She should go home and nurse a bottle of wine, cry herself to sleep, or something equally pointless, but she couldn't. She couldn't just leave knowing he was just up those stairs ruining his life and throwing their relationship away for a momentary thrill. At some point he'd have to come down those stairs and when he did, the liquid in this glass would give her the strength she needed to face him, the strength she didn't feel she had right now.

* * *

"Another," she hissed as the liquor still stung at her throat.

"I think maybe you've had enough."

"Believe me, I haven't had nearly enough." She shook her head as she gestured to the glass bottle behind the bar. "Another," she repeated.

"I really don't …"

"It's alright. I'll keep an eye on her."

The bartender nodded as poured a small amount of liquid into the glass again and nodded towards Nick.

"It's probably not the best idea to drink alone," Nick said, taking the seat beside her and carefully sliding the glass to sit in front of him. "You mind sharing?"

"You that broke?" She could feel the effect of the alcohol already as her attempt to turn towards him sent the entire room spinning.

"I just think maybe I could use this one more than you." He looked at her intently for a moment. "Though you do look like you've had a hell of a night."

She scoffed. "You could say that, but you're not looking particularly chipper yourself. What happened?" She shifted on the stool, her body tilting precariously backwards.

"Easy there." His hand pressed gently on the small of her back. "Why don't we skip the drink and you let me drive you home?"

"Nope. I can't leave yet. He's still up there and I'm not leaving until I have a chance to tell him exactly what I think of him for what he's …" Her thought seemed to drift away as she looked back towards the stairs.

"Billy?" He assumed he'd guessed correctly as he watched the flash in her eyes. "Let me guess, Mr. Wonderful messed up again?" The cocky grin on his face faded quickly as his words settled in the air. The fiery, angry spark that had been in her eyes when the conversation started had now been replaced with a sort of sadness and it was never his intention to play any part in that. His hand slid across the bar slowly to rest on hers. "Hey," he said quietly. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say it like that. I know you care about the guy and if you're hurting, I'm sorry."

Phyllis didn't answer. Instead she simply turned back towards the stairs, her eyes drifting up towards the landing longingly. He was so close and yet he felt so very far from her.

"Come on," Nick said again, touching her shoulder. "Let me take you home. You don't need to talk to him like this. You're upset and you've had to much to drink and you'll say things that you don't mean and nothing good will come of that. Just let me take you home and you can sleep it off and then in the morning you and Billy can figure all this out."

As much as she detested advice, he was right. It was speaking in anger that had brought them to this place. Repeating it would simply make it worse. "Okay," she said reluctantly. "But on one condition." She paused as she looked at him again.

"What's that?"

"You tell me what you're doing at the bar at this time of night. If my life is falling apart, I might as well find some comfort in knowing someone else's is too." She forced a slight smile as she looked at him. Mutual misery was something they knew all too well.

"Deal," he smiled, reaching out to her and letting her lean against him as she stood unsteadily from the stool. "We'll swap war stories once we get you home safe. Maybe take our minds of things, break out some video games."

"Just like the old days," she smiled. Her body felt relaxed as she leaned against him. At least tonight, she wouldn't have to sit with her thoughts alone.

* * *

"Come on now." Nick pressed the pause button on the remote and let it fall by his side. "It's no fun to kill you when it doesn't even feel like you're trying."

"Sorry. I don't mean to be a killjoy. I guess I'm just not really in a video game kind of place tonight." She could feel her eyes burning, tears being a definite possibility again. She straightened, taking in a long, deep breath. "So, you promised you'd tell me your sob story and you haven't, so let's hear it. Why are you here with me instead of home with your fiancé?" She rolled her eyes as she said the words. Even drunk she couldn't get past what disaster she thought that relationship was.

"I guess I might as well tell you. You'll find out soon enough anyway. I've been kind of busy the last few weeks."

Her eyes narrowed as she looked at him. "Either I'm much drunker than I thought or you're being deliberately vague."

"I'm just trying to ease into it. The reaction hasn't exactly been positive thus far."

"Well, you haven't told me yet." She smiled weakly as she looked at him. "Let's face it, I've got the least room to be judgmental here."

He couldn't help laughing at the honesty in her statement. "True. Alright, here goes. I pretended to be JT. It was me … all of it … the whole time."

* * *

"I told you to get beers," she groaned as she leaned back against the couch.

"I did." He held up the beer before taking a drink and handing her a bottle of water. "Just not one for you. You've got a major jumpstart on me tonight."

She wanted to argue, but the questions were more pressing. "So, let me get this straight … you pretended to be JT. You gaslighted your own father? You hacked his computers systems and medical records? And now you've created your own company? Is that what you're telling me?"

"Yeah, that's the short, sweet version."

"I don't even … I mean, look. I get it, after what he did with the whole Christian thing, I totally get that you want to get back at him, but this is a lot even when you consider revenge? Your family is going to …"

He nodded. "Oh they already have. I'm a disgrace. They don't know me anymore. I should be ashamed of myself. But I'm not and you know what? I don't think I should be. I think my father should be ashamed. When I think of everything he's done in his life that he's never paid for …" It made him sick to think about it. There were so many casualties, so much pain … "And we all just turned our backs, turned a blind eye to it, buried our hands in the sand for years …. And for what? Because we hoped one day he'd decide that his family was more important, because we thought at the end of the day that he had some limits, that there were some things that were too sacred to him to sacrifice?"

She could barely believe the words she heard coming out of his mouth. This wasn't the Nick Newman that had so many times come to the aide of his father. This wasn't the Nick Newman that had, at times, dreamed of taking the reins at Newman Enterprises. This wasn't the Nick Newman that had defended Victor time and time again when she and so many others had claimed he was the devil himself.

"I really believed there were limits to what he would do. I honestly thought there were some lines he wouldn't cross. I thought at the end of the day everything he did he did to protect his family, but after what he did to me with Christian … That man doesn't do anything to protect anyone except himself. He's a self-serving, egotistical, cold-hearted, …" He stopped, realizing she hadn't spoken since he'd started. "You're not going to disagree with me, are you?"

Phyllis let the air leave her lungs. "No. I'm not. I've believed for a long time that Victor Newman had no limits. I've always said that he would do whatever it took to serve his own best interests and anyone that does anything to try and take him down has all my support … always."

It felt so good to hear the words, even if they weren't from someone he'd necessarily expected. "My father has done so many horrible things to so many people."

She looked away and he felt his stomach lurch a bit.

"I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel when you see him out there walking around, living his life like he's never had a problem in the world … After what he did to you and Jack. I'm sorry that you didn't get the justice you deserved with that. I'm sorry we caved and came back to support him like we always do. I'm sorry that I'm his son, that I have his name, that everyone knows me by …"

"Nick." Her hand raised to touch his face. "You are not your father. Just because you have his name doesn't mean you have to live by what it has represented. You create your own legacy. You don't have to live in your father's shadow."

"I just don't get it, Phyllis. My entire family thinks I'm this horrible disgrace. They treat me like I've betrayed the family, as if our father hasn't betrayed us over and over again. It's like they've forgotten everything he's done, to me, to Christian, to Adam, to Sage, to you, to Jack …"

"I don't want to talk about that." She'd tried to put it behind her, but even the mention of it brought thoughts and feelings back that she never wanted to entertain again.

"I'm sorry. We don't have to talk about it. We don't have to talk about anything."

Something changed, in the air, in the room, in the energy and suddenly they weren't two people who were sharing sob stories. They weren't exes with history and drama. They were simply two people who understood each other, who understood pain, who understood revenge, and who, most of all, understood how it felt to be misunderstood. She'd had this before with Billy, but he wasn't here now. He didn't want to understand her anymore. He wanted to sit at a table and bet it all for some plastic chips.

She felt the warmth of Nick's body as he moved closer to her. She could have moved away. They could have stopped with a kiss. They could have stood and acknowledged the mistake and said their goodbyes, but they didn't and they wouldn't until nearly noon the next morning.


	2. Chapter 2

The trip down the stairs this morning was much different than it had been in the Athletic Club the night before. Then she had been fueled by rage, embarrassment, and pain, but now, her steps were hesitant. Memories of the night before flooded her brain in waves and the only relief she'd found this morning was the empty bed next to her. Surely Nick had been just as horrified as she was by what they'd done only he'd had the chance to leave before facing her this morning. She didn't blame him. She wished she didn't have to face herself. Her steps suddenly stilled as she heard a noise and looked down into the kitchen from the landing.

She saw him standing by the stove already wearing the clothes he'd worn the night before. The slight groan of shame escaped her lips before she could stop it and she watched as his eyes immediately jerked up to meet her gaze.

"Hey," he said softly.

Phyllis slowly moved down the rest of the steps, the space between the stairs and the kitchen somehow seeming much farther away than it ever had in the past. "I thought you were gone," she whispered.

He nodded. "I thought about it, but then I figured, that wouldn't be right … to just leave like that without saying anything, without us talking about what happened."

She swallowed hard as she took a seat at the table. "None of this was right."

The sound of the glass plate of toast hitting the table was the only sound in the room as Nick took a seat across the table from her. He knew there was truth in the words she said. What happened last night never would have happened in any other circumstances. It was a perfect storm of events that was anything but perfect. It was a disaster. "I know," he agreed, "but we both know what this was. The two of us, we have history and we know each other … We trust each other and we just needed a minute to be with someone who wasn't expecting things from us, who wasn't asking us to be something we weren't. Someone that wasn't asking to feel or say something we didn't believe. That's not who we are. That's not who we've ever been."

"Thank you." She took a drink from the coffee cup as she pondered his words. "That's true," she breathed, "But there are a lot of things that have changed – our relationship has changed, our relationship with other people has changed and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one that doesn't want to go back to the way things were for us all those years ago."

Nick let his head drop. "God no. That was … It was."

"Chaos, drama, and a lot of pain for a lot of people … both of us included."

"But it wasn't all bad. We got our daughter out of it and even though she can be a bit of a pain in the ass sometimes, I'd never change that."

She managed a weak, watery smile. "Yeah," she whispered. "Me either."

"And look at us now, we're friends … really good friends, friends that can make a mistake and sit down at the table the next morning and talk it through like adults."

"Is that what this is? Is that what we're doing? Talking through it?"

"We were both a little beat up and we poured some alcohol on top of it. It wasn't something we planned. It just happened and we don't have to make it a big thing. It's not like you and I have never done this before. We know the drill. We know how it ends, so I say we just end it now before it gets too messy."

"You really think we can do that? Just pretend this never happened?"

"I think we have to … for a couple of reasons. For one, I love Sharon and no matter what she thinks about the choices I've made, I truly believe she'll understand in time. Once she sees the good I'm going to do with this company, once she sees that this was about so much more than just getting back at my father … that this was about establishing my own name outside of him, away from him. She'll understand. They all will." He looked at her for a long moment before continuing. "And then the other reason … You love Billy." He smiled a bit as her eyes widened in surprise.

"And yeah, I know, it's not really my style to be trying to push you toward Billy, but in this case, it's more about me pushing you towards being happy. I care about you. You're my friend and I always want to see your happy and, whether I like it or not, Billy makes you happy. I've seen it for months. You're just at ease with him. You can be yourself with him and that kind of relationship doesn't come around that often, so you need to make it right. You need to grab onto it and don't let go. And the only way either of us can have the lives we want is to pretend this night never happened."

Nick slid his hand slowly across the table, his palm up towards her. "So what do you say? I will if you will."

It was all too much to process, but the idea of Billy finding out about this was more than she could fathom. She still remembered the stunned sound of his voice when she'd accused him of cheating of her only days before. How horrific would it be to now have to admit she'd done that very thing to him. "I will," she sighed. "Last night never ever happened."

* * *

He glanced down as he righted his footed for the third time. The stairs seemed especially difficult to navigate this morning as pulled his sunglasses down over his eyes. The lingering smells of breakfast now mixed with early lunch as he walked into the dining area. It made his stomach lurch violently and let his body slump against the leather of the small couch. "Coffee, black," he grumbled as the waitress began to offer pleasantries. He wasn't interested in small talk this morning.

Billy pulled his cell phone from his pocket, the screen still showing no calls – just as it had hours before when he'd checked. Phyllis wasn't interested in what he was doing and in truth, why should she be? It was so exhilarating in the moment, when you were drinking and playing and winning, but in the morning when you rolled over and you were hungover and had tens of thousands of dollars less to your name, the reality was far less glamorous. His thumb hovered over her name as he mentally went through the list of pros and cons of calling her. On one hand it would prove to her that he was thinking of her. On the other, it would serve to illustrate that he'd spent yet another night out gambling, the very thing he'd promised her he'd never do again. He didn't intend to lie to her. When he said the words, he'd believed them, but it seemed to happen without his consent, in some ways even without his knowledge as if he was at the table with a hand of cards dealt before he even realized it. And then what? Was he supposed to just walk away? He didn't have that kind of willpower. He never had.

The sound of raised voices caught his attention and he looked up to see Mariah, her face drawn in a mix of shock and horror. She turned towards the door, then back towards her table, then towards the door again as if she wasn't sure what to do or where to go.

"Mariah?" Billy walked over to her. "You okay?"

"I …" The words seemed to escape her as she looked up to see Billy's sunglass clad face. She couldn't even begin to ask the questions that tried to form in her mind. None of that was important right now. "I need to … That was …" She pointed down at the phone she clenched in her hand. "It was a call from the office. There's been an accident. I … GZ Buzz …"

He wasn't sure if it was the alcohol or her clearly disoriented nature, but her words made absolutely no sense to him. "Here," he pointed towards the small couch and gestured for her to sit down. "Why don't you sit for a minute. Catch your breath and tell me what's going on. Maybe I can help."

She did, grateful to have someone – anyone giving her some direction. "I … Hillary's been in an accident. It's bad. She's in critical condition and … I need to go to GC Buzz and …" The emotions that had been threatening to overtake her now rushed to the surface as she saw Sharon rush through the doors.

"Mariah," she sighed, her legs nearly giving way beneath her. "Thank God you're okay. The news report just said GZ Buzz host and I wasn't sure if …"

She wasn't a hugger in normal situations, but in this case she didn't fight the impulse at all. "I'm fine," she whispered, "but Hillary … she's …"

It was Billy that spoke next. "Do you two need me to call you a car?"

"No," Sharon said quickly. "I have my car." She reached out for Mariah's hand and the both stood together, poised to move towards the door. "Did you need something …"

"No," he answered. "I was just making sure she was okay and …" His mind couldn't focus. The only thing he'd been thinking of since he'd heard Mariah's disjointed mumblings was Phyllis. She and Hillary were friends and Phyllis didn't have very many of those. He had to assume she probably didn't know and the thought of her finding out with no one to turn to made him sick inside. He couldn't let that happen.

He watched as Sharon wrapped her arm around Mariah and walked her out the door. Everyone needed someone and Phyllis, even though she'd argue, was no exception.


	3. Chapter 3

The elevator doors seemed to inch open as his eyes fell upon the closed door. He could only imagine she wouldn't be especially happy to see him. When he'd tried to call her the night before, she'd refused his calls, sending him directly to voice mail or answering only to immediately hang up. His texts went also went unanswered. She was doing everything in her power to show him she had no interest in seeing or talking to him and yet he was here … at her door. Some would call it a masochistic move, but he was far more worried about her feelings than his own.

He took a deep breath and let his fist knock on the door. He waited, leaning in as he heard her footsteps coming closer.

"Did you forget …" She stopped immediately when she saw him. One look at her face and it was clear he was not who she'd been expecting to see. "What are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to you." He wanted to ask her who she'd been expecting, but there were more important things to talk about right now. "Can I come in?"

The events of last night flashed through her mind again. She needed time to think, time to process or, at the very least, time to shower. The sight of him made her heart flutter and there was a part of her that wanted to forget everything and let him in. Maybe they could work things out. Maybe it would all be okay. But another part, a larger part was struck by how normal he seemed – as if nothing had happened, as if he had every right to be there. What happened last night and the way she felt this morning wouldn't even be an issue if she hadn't watched him sitting at a poker table last night. If he'd been here, standing at her door last night, asking her to come in so they could talk, she would have woke up this morning with him and not with …. She shook her head, banishing the guilt-filled thoughts. "No," she spat, renewed anger rising inside of her. "No, you can't come in."

And there it was. The anger he'd fully expected he'd encounter. "Phyllis. Please. It's important. I really need to talk to you."

"Now you do." Her tone was curt as she glared at him. "Why? Because there aren't any early morning poker games to play? You can fit me in for a conversation now?" She saw the look in his eyes and used his momentary loss of words to continue her verbal assault. "That's right," she said quickly. "I came to talk last night and I found you at the GCAC. You weren't exactly worried about having this important conversation last night, were you?"

His head fell down to rest on his own chest in shame. "I …" He couldn't look her in the eyes as he tried to force his gaze to meet her face.

"So I guess it isn't all that important, is it?" She turned, pushing the door to close. She felt the resistance and looked down, now seeing his foot in the way. "Move," she demanded.

"This isn't about me," he said flatly. "You can hate me all you want, but I need to tell you this. I was at the club this morning and I ran into Mariah. She'd just gotten a phone call about Hillary and there was an accident."

Her reaction was immediate and he felt the resistance on the door fall away. "What kind of accident?"

"I don't know all the details, but apparently she's in critical condition and I know the two of you are …."

"I have to go." She rushed from the door, not even stopping to look back at him before nearly running up the stairs.

"Phyllis. Phyllis, wait." He watched as she disappeared upstairs. His body sank down onto the sofa as he let out a dejected sigh.

* * *

She scanned the waiting area quickly, searching for someone she recognized. "Neil." She said his name softly as she approached, hoping not to startle him. The look in his eyes as he turned around to face her made her heart fall. "I just heard," she managed. "How is she?"

He shook his head. "We're still waiting on the doctors to give us an update but based on what they've said so far, it's still pretty touch and go." He gestured towards the double doors that led into the ICU. "Devon is with her right now."

Phyllis shook her head. "That's good." She hated to ask the question, already fearing she knew the answer. "What about the baby?"

Neil's eyes darkened. He dropped his head, shaking it again in lieu of a verbal response.

"Oh God," she whispered. She saw Neil's eyes raise to look behind her and she turned, her own eyes narrowing in confusion. "What are you doing here, Billy?"

"Look, I know you told me not to come. I know you said you didn't want me here, but I needed to make sure you got here okay. You were so upset when you blew out of the apartment. I didn't want you driving like that and I just wanted to make sure that …" He looked around the waiting room, the tortured faces of those that waited for news of their loved one's status making his throat thicken with emotion. "I didn't want anything to happen to you. It can happen so fast, you know. I didn't want to end up here. If anything ever …" His voice broke at the thought and he looked at her for a long moment before speaking again. "I wouldn't be able to handle it."

"You can't just do that." She pushed him back slightly, moving away from Neil. "You don't get to come here and try and play this situation so that I just forget everything you did … all the lies and …"

"That's not what I'm doing. That's not why I came here. I know you're angry with me and you have every right to be, but this … isn't this more important than that? She's your best friend, Phyllis and she's fighting for her life. You shouldn't have to go through that alone – not when I'm here, not when I want to be here for you. You don't have to forgive me to let me help you."

Even though she hadn't been able to ask Neil all the questions she had, his expression had told her far more than his words ever could. There was a very real chance Hillary wouldn't be leaving this hospital room. She could be here to say goodbye. Her eyes found his again. "I guess not," she said softly, "But this doesn't change the way I feel … it doesn't change how much you hurt …" Tears stung at her eyes as the lump in her throat chocked her voice out.

"It doesn't have to," he relented. "Just let me help you." He stepped closer to her. "Let me hold you."

She hesitated. She wanted to be angry, to be willful, to be strong, to be stubborn, but right now, in this moment … more than anything, she wanted to be held. His arms wrapped around her tightly as she finally allowed a lone tear to fall.


	4. Chapter 4

"Phyllis?" He shook her gently as he softly whispered her name. As much as he would have enjoyed letting her sleep in his arms as long as possible, he could sense the abrupt shift in the room.

She moved slightly, her eyes opening slowly as she took in her surroundings. "Billy?" There was slight confusion in her voice as she spoke, but it only took a moment before he felt the change in her body. She stiffened and pulled away from him, muttering quiet words of apology. "Sorry. I guess I feel asleep."

He shook his head. "It's fine. You needed to sleep." His eyes moved over to the group of people that now stood by the swinging doors. "I would have let you sleep longer, but I think …" He waited until she turned towards them as well. "The doctor just same out. I can't hear what he's saying, but …"

Phyllis stood, her steps hesitant as she moved slowly towards them. Somehow she felt like an outsider, intruding on an intimate moment, but Hilary was her friend and she needed to know. "Neil," she whispered, hoping to pull him away from the close knit group.

He followed her lead, stepping away briefly. "It's not good," he whispered, his voice low. "Her blood work shows that she's not responding to the medication. They said to go ahead and call in anyone that might want to …" He didn't finish the sentence, knowing she would complete the thought in her own mind.

Her eyes closed for a moment as her mind tried to process the thought. "I can't believe this is happening," she breathed. "Hillary is so …" A thought broke through the emotion, a task that could be completed and controlled … something she could do – a welcome reprieve from this feeling of helplessness. "Has anyone called Jack?" she asked.

Neil thought for a moment. "You know what, no. I don't think they have. I should probably …" He glanced back over at Devon who looked ready to collapse.

"No … I'll do it," she offered. "You go take care of your family."

"Thanks, Phyllis."

She nodded, happy to do something, anything that might make a small difference. Her steps were quicker now, more purposeful as she walked back over to Billy.

"What did they say? How's she doing?"

"Not good. They said to go ahead and call everyone in." She said the words as she shuffled through the contents of her purse, finally dumping it into the chair in frustration. "Damn," she hissed. "I must have left it at the apartment." She looked over at him. "Can I use your phone?"

"There's one right over there in the waiting room," Billy said quickly, pointing to the communal phone on the desk.

"I know, but Jack might not recognize the number and he probably wouldn't answer. Just let me use yours or …" She recognized the look of guilt on his face and snatched it from his hand. The home screen revealed everything she needed to know. Her eyes burned with tears, both for her friend and for the relationship she was watching crumble in front of her. "Really?" Her voice shook as she stared at him. "Really, Billy?"

"I was going to tell them no," he hissed, as he reached for the phone.

She moved away from him, still scrolling through the messages. "So that's why you were asking where and what time? So that you could turn them down after hearing all the details?"

"Phyllis … I …"

"Just shut up," she snapped, quickly pressing the contacts button and waiting for Jack's voice to answer. "Jack," she breathed …

He felt as if he might collapse as he listened to her quickly brief Jack on the situation with Hilary, her soft, compassionate tone with his brother a sharp contrast to what she'd taken with him moments earlier. The call ended quickly as she assured him she'd be there waiting and he was surprised when she thrust the phone back towards him.

"Here," she snapped. "Your phone … you can take it and go."

"I don't want to go," he argued. "I wasn't going to go."

"I don't give a damn where you go," she managed, "I just don't want to look at you right now and this isn't the place for us to have this conversation. So I'm asking you to go. Now, Billy. Just get out of here."

"You need someone here with you. You don't need to be here by yourself."

"Jack's on his way." She could see the hurt on his face as she said the words. "He's someone I can count on and right now that's what I need. I need someone that understands how bad this hurts and I need someone that's totally focused on this moment." Her eyes glared at him. "And that's not you."

"I love you," he whispered. "I want to be here. Please, just let me be here."

"I gave you a chance and even though you might have been here in body, your mind was at a poker table somewhere." She heard Devon's raised voice from across the room and looked up at Billy again. "I can't do this now. I won't do this now."

He watched helplessly as she walked away, stepping up beside Neil who put his arm loosely around her shoulder. Even he was more comfort to her right now.

* * *

"Hi."

His embrace instantly made her feel better.

"How is she?" he asked. The look on her face told him he might not want to know the answer.

She shook her head. "Not good, Jack. Devon is in there with her right now. I don't think they are expecting her to last much longer. They said they'll let us in one at a time so we can say whatever we want to say …" The thought of saying goodbye made her feel sick and she felt her hands begin to tremble at bit at the idea of it. "I don't even know how to do that. I mean, what do you say to someone that should have had so much longer to live and should have gotten so much more out of life?"

Jack shook his head. "It's not easy, but you'll know. When you get in there, it'll just come to you. You say what's in your heart and you say the things you need to say. Is she conscious?"

Phyllis nodded. "Last I heard she was."

"That's good. At least you'll know she heard you and the two of you can talk. That'll be something you'll never forget." He hesitated a moment, curious if he should even ask, but finally deciding it was too important to pass up. "I expected I'd find Billy here. I think he'd want to be here for you during this? You want me to call him?" Her face seemed to crumble as he said the words and he instantly knew he'd touched on something far more complicated than he knew.

"No," she managed. "Too much is dying here already."


	5. Chapter 5

She wiped the tears from her eyes as she stepped out through the doors. The sight of him sitting in the chair next to hers gave her some comfort. At least she could always count on Jack to be there despite everything she'd done to him, he still remained one of her dearest friends. She took the cup of coffee from his hand as he held it out to her. "Thank you," she whispered.

Jack nodded. "You okay?"

"Not really," she admitted. It was hard enough to say goodbye to her friend. It was harder still when your heart was already broken going in. "It just all feels like too much at once. With Hilary and everything that's going on and …"

"I know this might not be the best time," Jack said quietly, "but it also might help us both not go crazy sitting here and waiting. The waiting is the worst part." He remembered all the hours he'd spent waiting at her bedside. There were times he wasn't sure he'd even survive, but he had and even though they weren't where he expected they'd be, they were still in a good place, still in each other's lives, still caring about each other. "You want to tell me what happened with Billy?" He saw her shoulders rise and fall with the dejected sigh. "If you don't want to tell me, that's okay too. "

"No. I just …" She shook her head, still not even sure how it had gone so wrong so fast. "He came to the apartment to tell me about the accident. He ran into Mariah at the club apparently and he thought I'd want to know, so he came to tell me."

"That was thoughtful …" The words were slow as they left his lips. What sounded like a positive had clearly taken a turn as Billy wasn't here and it didn't take a rocket scientist to determine that he hadn't left on the best of terms. "But I'm guessing it didn't go well from there?"

"It wasn't even that. I told him he didn't need to come and I came up here on my own, but he followed me in his car because he was afraid I was to upset to drive and he wanted to make sure I made it here okay." She saw Jack's reaction and felt compelled to add to her statement. "And yeah, that meant something to me, that he cared enough to come, that he cared enough to worry and for the moment I thought that maybe he had had an epiphany of sorts … that this had shown him what was important again, that this had reminded him of how fleeting everything was, but it didn't take long for him to slip right back into that deep, dark hole."

Jack's eyes were kind as they looked at her obviously pained face. "What did he do?"

"I forgot my phone back at the apartment," she sighed, "and I wanted to call you so that I could tell you about what happened to Hilary, so I asked him if I could use his cell and he started going on about how there was a waiting room phone that I could use …" She could still feel the wave of sick realization that had swept over her. "And I knew immediately that he didn't want me to see his phone and I knew why."

"Did you actually see anything?"

"Oh yeah," she hissed. "Texts back and forth for the last few hours about a game at the club and about how much the buy in was and times and places and people and …" She could feel the rage welling up in her again as she tried to banish the thoughts from her mind. "While I was sitting here worried that my best friend was dying, he was trying to set up his next gambling match."

There was venom in her voice as she spoke and he knew Phyllis well enough to know not to argue with her when she got like this, but he also knew his brother and he knew how it felt to do things that you knew were wrong, things that you knew would hurt the people you loved … and still – you felt powerless to stop the urges. "Phyllis," he said with a measured sensitivity in his tone, "You know he's an addict. He isn't doing this because he wants to hurt you. He isn't doing this because he wants to gamble. He's doing this because it's something that's out of his control right now. He can't help what …"

"Yes he can!" she snapped, immediately recognizing the volume of her voice and lowering it. "You did. You stopped yourself from falling back into the habits after you found out about not being John's son. If it was truly out of your control, you wouldn't have been able to do that."

"I had support. I had people around me. I had people that were able to see the signs and stop me before I was too far gone."

"I've been there, Jack." She heard the crack in her own voice. "I've been in the house with him day in and day out. He could have talked to me about anything. I said those very words to him over and over. I told him he could tell me anything and yet he chose to say nothing. Actually, scratch that, he did choose to talk to someone. He chose to talk to my daughter. He chose to tell Summer about his addiction and about what was going on so that she could be his damn alibi."

"Summer isn't someone he cares deeply about," Jack explained gently. "Summer isn't someone he's worried about disappointing. Telling you that he'd failed would have been like admitting that he wasn't enough. It would have been like admitting that everyone had been right about what they'd said about him … that he wasn't any good, that he was just going to hurt you in the end, that he was just self destructive and immature and useless."

"I never cared about what other people said, Jack. I only ever cared about him and now … He's so wrapped up in the next game and the next win that I don't think he cares about me at all."

"He does." He reached out and covered her hand with his own. "I promise you he does. He just doesn't know how to fix this right now. Don't give up on him yet."


	6. Chapter 6

Billy walked up to the counter and let his eyes peruse the menu. He had to do something. He couldn't just walk away, even if that's what she'd asked him to do. Part of being self-destructive was understanding that you didn't always know what you needed … sometimes you didn't even know what you wanted. He understood that about her and he didn't fault her for it. They got each other. They always had.

"Hey Billy." Her presence obviously surprised him and she smiled. "Were you not expecting help at the counter?" She expected to hear a good natured laugh in response. Billy had always had a good sense of humor, but today he seemed disturbingly serious.

"Sorry," he said softly. "I just wasn't …" He shook his head. "I guess I'm not really with it right now."

"That's pretty obvious." She softened her tone as she studied his clearly disturbed features. "Can I get you something? Coffee? Bagel? Someone to listen?"

He sighed. "I was trying to figure out what I could take back to the hospital. Phyllis and …"

"Right." Sharon nodded. "How's Hilary doing?"

He shrugged slightly. "I don't really know all the details," he admitted, "but judging by how everyone is acting up there, I don't think it's good at all."

"I didn't realize it was that bad. I mean I knew they said critical condition, but that's something people come back from all the time." Sharon stood still, letting the words wash over here. "Tell you what, why don't I just get a big assortment ready and you can take it back with you."

"That would be great, Sharon. Thanks."

"No problem. It's the least I can do." She slid a cup of coffee across the counter. "Here. Take this while you wait."

Cupping the coffee in his hand, he slid into the booth, his eyes closing a bit as he tried to imagine what he could say that might make Phyllis understand or at least what might make her allow him to stay.

"What are you doing here?"

Billy's eyes opened quickly at the voice that suddenly seemed far too close to him. Nick sat across from him in the booth, his eyes glaring into his.

"I'm just waiting on Sharon to get some muffins and things together." He tried not to react to the tone, well aware he might be overly sensitive at the moment.

"And you really think this is where you should be? This is where you should be spending your time? You know about Hilary right? You know that Phyllis' best friend is in the hospital fighting for her life and you're here waiting for a sugar fix?"

"Not that I owe you any kind of explanation, but …"

"No, you're right. You don't owe me any explanation. You owe Phyllis an explanation. She loves you and I'll be the first to admit that I don't get that. You managed to get two of the best women I know to fall for you and you've hurt both of them because of your stupid, selfish desires. You don't deserve Phyllis, but you had her. You had her love. You had her devotion and instead of holding onto that, you go and throw it all away for a stupid poker …" It didn't hit him until he saw the shocked look on Billy's face and the sick feeling began to rush over him.

Billy leaned across the table. "How the hell do you know about that?"

Nick leaned back, cursing himself in his own mind. "I …" He had to say something. There was no way to back out of the conversation now. "I ran into Phyllis the other night and she was really upset. She needed to talk to someone." He could see the anger flashing in Billy's eyes. "Don't be angry with her about that. You've got no right to expect her to …"

"I'm not angry about that. I know I've hurt her and believe me, you don't think any less of me than I think of myself right now."

"I'm pretty sure that's not possible," Nick retorted.

He sighed in frustration. "And just so you know," he continued, "I'm here waiting on food to take back to the hospital. I tried to be there for Phyllis at the hospital earlier but she didn't want me there. She asked me to leave. Actually more like forced me to leave …."

"And you did?" He huffed as he looked at him in disgust. "So much for fighting for her, huh?"

"I wasn't going to argue with her in the middle of the hospital. She was hurting enough. Things with Hilary are really bad and it wasn't the time or the place and …"

"Billy, Your order's ready."

"I've got it." Nick stood, blocking his path to the counter. "Let me take it. You said it yourself. She doesn't want you there and you showing up again is just going to upset everything. If things are really as bad as you say, you shouldn't want to make it worse unless of course that was all just bullshit."

It killed him to let him think he was superior in any way, let alone anything that involved Phyllis. "The only reason I'm not with her right now is because she asked me to go. I'm doing what she asked. I feel like I owe her that much."

"You owe her a hell of a lot more than that, but leaving her alone is a good start. Do her a favor and keep that up."

Billy glared at him. "I'm going to fix things with her. I'm going to make this up to her. I love her and she loves me and there's nothing you or anybody else can do to change that."

Nick shook his head as he gathered the boxes into a manageable stack.

"Don't forget to tell her those are from me," Billy snapped as he pushed past him out the door.

* * *

Neil was the first familiar face he saw. "This way," he said as he led the attendant over to the other side of the waiting area. "You can put them right here." Nick reached into his pocket and handed the young man a bill. "Thanks for the help."

Neil clasped his hand on his shoulder. "Thanks for coming and thanks for this."

Nick nodded. "It's actually not from me," he admitted against his better judgment. "Billy sent them."

His eyes widened. "Billy? He was here earlier, but I don't think he was particularly well received by everyone." He tilted his head towards Phyllis' direction. "I'm not sure exactly what's going on with those two, but I got the distinct impression that they weren't exactly in the best of places."

"It's not really my business to tell," Nick sighed, "but it's something I'm sure you can understand." He watched as the realization flashed across Neil's face. His veiled meaning had been understood.

"Oh," Neil sighed. "Wow." He wanted to feel bad for him, but his sympathy was otherwise engaged. "You know when you're in a situation like this and you see two people that thought they had their whole lives ahead of them, you wonder why people take things for granted … why people are willing to throw everything away. I say things like that and then I remember the moments when I was willing to do the same damn thing."

"Nick?" Phyllis' soft voice was filled with surprise as she stepped up behind them. "What are you doing here?"

"I'll give you two a minute," Neil said quietly. "I need to go get an update from Devon anyway."

Phyllis narrowed her eyes as she looked at him. "I don't know that this is the best idea, Nick. I mean I appreciate that you cared enough to come by, but we don't really need to be …"

"I just stopped by to bring these." He gestured to the box of assorted pastries and the trays of coffees.

"Oh." Her face flushed with embarrassment. "That's nice. It was really thoughtful of you and Sharon to do that."

"It wasn't us. It was Billy. He wanted to bring them himself, but I thought it might be better if he stayed away."

"So he's just gonna send some coffee and donuts and that's supposed to fix everything?" She shook her head as she lowered her body into the chair. Her hands ran through her hair as she managed to look back up at Nick. "He couldn't even be here with me, Nick. He was texting people about games. It's like he's constantly looking for a fix … even when he's with me. I don't know how it got so bad. I don't know when I stopped being enough for him."

"That's a ridiculous question," he said softly, sitting down in the chair next to her and lightly touching her hand with his. "You're more than enough for him. He's just never been good enough for you."


	7. Chapter 7

He stood beside her car and leaned against the driver's side door. "You sure you don't need me to drive you home? I don't mind."

"No. I'll be fine. Thank you though. I'm sure Sharon will be wondering where you are." She tried to focus on the task at hand as she pulled the seat belt across her chest. She felt numb. All her tears were gone now and everything that happened just seemed to horrible to be real.

"Sharon would understand. I can call her and tell her that you needed someone to stay with you. It's not a good idea for you to go home to an empty house. I know this is hard for you. I know you two were close."

"Forget about me," she breathed. "It's everyone in there that I feel bad for. Poor Devon. He just lost his wife and his child in the span of a few days. How do you get over something like that? How do you move on when you had everything you ever wanted a few days ago and now … it's all just gone."

Nick shook his head. "Devon has a lot of people around him. He's got a lot of support and although it's going to be hard, he'll have plenty of people to talk to, to lean on. That's what you need … someone to lean on and talk to if you need to talk. I don't think you need to be alone right now, Phyllis."

"Maybe not, but I don't think you're the person I need to be with." It had been easy to accept his support. After all, he had been the one to show up, to sit with her, to hold her as she'd heard the news, but now … after everything had passed, she had to think clearly. She had to remember what had happened between them just a few nights ago. "It wouldn't be a good idea."

"Phyllis," he said quietly, averting his eyes for a moment. "I didn't mean anything like that. I just meant I didn't want you to be alone in case …"

"I know. I know what you meant, but you and I … We've never been really good with boundaries. And right now, with the way I'm feeling, I'm too emotional and I'm going to try this new thing where I don't let my emotions determine my actions." She tried to force herself to smile slightly. "I appreciate it though. I really do. Thank you, Nick. For everything."

"You don't have to thank me. Maybe I should follow you home at least since you don't have your phone. Make sure you get there okay?" He stopped when she he saw the look on her face. "Okay," he sighed, taking a moment before speaking again, "You know I'll always be here for you, right?"

She nodded as she reached for the door and pulled it away from him. "I do," she whispered.

He watched as the door closed and she slowly began to back away.

* * *

"I was getting worried." The relief was evident on her face as Nick walked into the living room. "I waited at the coffee house for a while before I finally back here. I thought you would have come way before now. How are thing with Hilary?"

"She uh …" It had really hit him on the way home, how final it was. He had been at the hospital and watched as Devon had gotten the news. He'd watched a man learn that the woman he loved was gone … forever. In that moment, he'd been so consumed with comforting Phyllis that he hadn't really allowed himself to consider the magnitude of what happened. It wasn't really that he knew Hilary well enough to truly feel impacted by her loss, but it was the symbolic message behind it – how quickly things could change, how the people you loved could be gone in an instant, how you are just moving through life, taking things for granted one minute and the next those very things can be gone. "She died, Sharon." His voice felt empty.

Sharon's face morphed into horror. "She what?" She stood and rushed over to him. "Oh my God, Nick. Why didn't you call me? I would have come to the hospital."

"It wasn't … You didn't need to. I just didn't want to leave Phyllis there without anyone. Billy wasn't there and I …" For a moment he thought she might be angry, the jealousy always seemed to exist between the two women just below the surface.

"Of course not. I know she and Hilary were close. She shouldn't have been online in this. It's good that she had someone with her and I'm glad it was you. You two have shared a lot together and it's good that you can be there for her."

The surprise in his eyes must have been more obvious than he intended.

"I can actually feel something other than contempt for Phyllis," Sharon said softly. "I am human."

"I know that," he said quickly. "I didn't mean to …"

"Hey, I know …" She touched his arm gently. "I know you didn't. Are you okay? I'm sure it must have been a horrible day for you."

"I'm fine. It was way worse for Devon and everyone and for Phyllis." He couldn't forget that way she'd looked at him, the almost empty resignation in her eyes. She couldn't let him help her even though he wanted and even though, in his heart, he believed she wanted him to as well.

"Do you feel like you need to check on her? Call her? Maybe we should go over there?"

"What? Sorry?" Nick glanced up, realizing for the first time that she was talking.

"It's okay," Sharon smiled, still stroking his arm. "I was just saying if you feel like we need to, we can go over to Phyllis' and check on her."

"No. No," he said quickly. The awkwardness that would come of that exchange would only make things worse. "I think she wants to be alone. That's probably best anyway." He heard the words as they echoed through the room and still, he didn't believe them.

* * *

"You shouldn't be here."

Her words were cold as she stared at him. It was obvious she'd been crying and it took everything in him not to give into the impulse to pull her into his arms and hold her tight against his chest. It killed him to see her in pain and it was even worse to know that he was probably part of what had cause it. "Phyllis, can I come in? Please. We really need to talk."

"No we don't, Billy. We needed to talk weeks ago before you threw everything away for a stupid card game. Now we don't have anything to talk about. I have way too much going on right now to entertain you and your excuses."

He refused to move. "I know you're angry and you have every right to be, but please hear me out. I know everything going on with Hilary is making you even more stressed right now and that's part of why I'm here. I want to be here for you. I know how much you're hurting and I want to support you. I want to prove that I'm the man that will never walk away, that will never let you go through something like this alone. I made you that promise, remember? I promised you that you would never be alone again and I want to prove to you that I can keep that promise."

"You already broke it," she said quickly. "I was without you at the hospital when she … or I would have been if Nick …"

Billy stopped, studying her face. "When she what? What happened, Phyllis?" He reached for her, grimacing in physical pain as he watched her jerk away. "Phyllis?"

"She died, Billy. Hilary's gone and when I needed someone to hold me, when I needed someone to tell me that I'd be okay, that I'd get through it, that I'd lost my best girlfriend, but that my best friend was still right next to me, you weren't there."

"I'm so sorry," he managed, the lump in his throat nearly making it impossible to speak. "But there's a good reason. I have something for you."

"Dammit, Billy!" There was so much anger in her over all of it, but especially at the shallowness of this moment. "You actually think a gift is gonna fix this? Like the food and the music and the flowers. You think you can buy your way out of it."

"I don't, but I think this might."

"No." She grabbed his shoulders and pushed him towards the door. "I don't want any part of any of it," she spat. "Just get out."

"Phyllis. Wait, please. Just give me two minutes. Let me show you this. I really think it will change everything."


	8. Chapter 8

"Two minutes," she said sharply, her eyes still devoid of warmth as she allowed him to step back into the apartment. "Although I don't think there's anything you could possibly give me that would …"

The object he held in his hand stunned her into silence and she found herself sitting down on the sofa without any further words leaving her lips. She didn't protest when he sat down next to her or when he took her hand and gently pushed the chip into her open palm.

"You know it's kind of funny that they give out chips at these meetings. About a month ago, I was worried you might find a poker chip in the apartment and now I'm hoping this one means enough to you to give me another chance."

Phyllis shook her head, her entire being still reeling in disbelief. "You went to a meeting? I thought you said you didn't need meetings. You got so angry at me when I so much as suggested it."

"I know and I'm sorry. I know you were just trying to help me. I was just angry."

"At me?"

"At everyone and everything. Ever since the whole blood Abbott thing with me taking over Jabot, everyone has had this idea that I was going to blow everything up, that I couldn't quite cut it as a real business-minded Abbott. I had my position. I was the family screw up and I always would be. Even if they didn't say it to my face, I knew that was how they felt. I could hear it in what they didn't say, in how they tried to spoon feed me things, in the little looks they'd share in meetings. And so I made it my mission to prove them wrong, and what did I do? I did everything I could to prove them right. And I was furious with myself. I let them down. I let the company down. I let my father down. I let myself down, but even worse than any of that, I let you down … the one person who believed in me. You stood up for me and I repaid you by lying to you like this."

"I know you didn't set out to do this, Billy. This is an illness. I do get that." She didn't want to excuse his behavior, but she hated to hear him berating himself like this. "I just … I guess I still don't understand what made you change your mind."

"Honestly?" He took a breath as he realized the irony behind his rationale. "It was Nick."

"Nick?" Her mouth went dry. He wouldn't have. He couldn't have. He'd been with her at the hospital. She forced her breathing to steady, trying desperately not to allow her mind to jump to conclusions. "What did Nick say to you?"

"I went to Crimson Lights to get some snacks and coffee to bring to the hospital and I ran into him. He basically put me on notice for the way I'd treated you and he told me that if I really cared about you, that I'd stay away from the hospital and not make the situation worse by upsetting you and showing up when you'd already asked me to leave." He hesitated slightly, tucking her hair behind her ear as he tried to discern her expression. "So that's what got me thinking about what I could do to show you I was serious about changing."

He watched as her eyes dropped to her hands, her thumb still stroking the chip that lay there. "And you are? You're serious about changing? You went to the meeting because you know you need to change?"

He nodded. "It cost me you. I was going to stop. I always was, but then today when I was sitting with you at the hospital and I just couldn't keep myself from responding to the text … no matter how much I wanted to be there with you." He stopped, locking eyes with her again. "And I did." His hand trembled as he touched her face and moved her chin to look into his eyes. "I really did want to be there for you and with you like I promised you I always would be."

"I know," she whispered, "but in a way you were somewhere better." She held the chip out to him between her thumb and forefinger. "You were making sure that you'd be able to be there for me for a long time."

* * *

"Nick?"

Sharon pulled the robe tighter around her body as she padded down the stairs. She stopped short as her eyes fell on Nick's hunched over frame.

He sat on the sofa clad in only sweats and an undershirt.

"Did you sleep at all?" she asked softly. "I didn't hear you come to bed last night."

"No," Nick admitted. "I could really get my brain to turn off." He took a drink from his coffee cup. "I made coffee if you want some … you know before you to the coffee house." He tried to laugh softly, but he barely managed a half hearted chuckle.

She sat down next to him on the sofa. "You want to talk about it?", she asked as she ran her hand up his muscular arm.

"Not really." He did want to talk, he thought to himself, but not about the things she thought and not to her. "I think I may go for a run, try and clear my head or something. Is Christian still asleep?"

"Yeah. Out like a light. The nanny will be here in a few minutes, before I have to leave for work, so stay as long as you like."

"Thanks." Her easygoing nature as actually making him feel worse if that was possible. There was only one thing that would help him reconcile this in his mind and if he took care of it this morning, it could all be done by afternoon.

* * *

He saw the unmistakable look of relief flash across her face as she stood on the landing. She tried to put on a smile as she moved down the stairs and took a seat at the counter.

"I know what you were thinking," he said quietly as he pushed a cup of coffee across to her.

She felt her stomach lurch a bit as she realized how similar this morning was to the one she'd shared with … She shook her head. That was in the past. They'd both agreed. "It's not that I don't …"

"It's okay." He touched her hand as he stopped her. "I get it. You've got no reason to trust me yet, but I'm going to do whatever it takes to get that trust back. Rebuilding our relationship and proving to you that you're the most important thing in my life is my first priority now. I mean that."

"I was just worried, Billy. I know that this won't be easy for you and I guess I was just afraid that maybe last night had been too much too fast."

He nodded. He'd been afraid of that too. When he'd showed up at her apartment, his best case scenario was that she would hear him out, so when he'd woke up this morning in bed next to her, it had taken him a moment to realize that this wasn't a dream. Last night had really happened. No doubt she'd needed him in a way she hadn't in quite some time. They'd both found comfort in each other, but there was more to it than that. There always was with the two of them. "We've never been very good at taking things slow," he smiled. "But whatever you need, all you have to do is say it."

She jumped at the sound of the doorbell.

"I'll start with getting that," he grinned.

She let her shoulders relax as she watched him walk to the door. The next few days would be hard enough. She would have to say goodbye to her best friend. At least now she'd have the man she loved by her side.


End file.
